The following, previously unpublished Pat Batt poem, has been kindly sent in by her friend, Maureen Bedford of Bishop’s Stortford who on hearing Pat telling it as a ceilidh item at an Old Harlow Hogmanay Party asked her for a copy and received it in handwritten form soon afterwards – this was many years ago now.
DID YOU HAVE AN ENJOYABLE CHRISTMAS?
Did you have an enjoyable Christmas?
Ours didn’t begin too well –
When I stirred up the Christmas pudding
There was a peculiar smell.The family all made rude comments,
And I’ll admit it wasn’t too nice –
I’d mistakenly used curry powder
Instead of the proper spice.
The Christmas cake looked lovely!
(And nobody’s noticed yet
That the cat had walked over the icing
Before it was really set).
The turkey would have been tasty,
And I’m sorry we all ignored
The instructions (wired) on the label
That stated it had to be thawed.
The cat had kittens on Christmas Eve,
And the T.V. had to be fixed.
Its not surprising that the presents
Got most of their labels mixed.
We had to invite Aunt Janie –
Her only interest is bridge
Oh yes! – The hamster went on walk about
And ended up in the fridge!
Dad collected Grandma –
She lives at Wrights Green Heath,
But I feel she’d have been a lot brighter
If she hadn’t forgotten her teeth.
Grandpa likes to provide the drinks
The wine and the beer and the gin.
He took them all down to the cellar
And managed to lock himself in!
The dog ate all of the chocolate –
(There were piles of them up on the shelf)
I don’t need to tell you what happened
You can work that one out for yourself.
The waste pipe was blocked after breakfast
And we needed Old John who’s our plumber
But his van got stuck on the M25
So I doubt if we’ll see him till summer.
The baby developed a touch of croup
And I did nothing but sneeze _
It was lucky the family didn’t mind
A dinner of plain bread and cheese!
I’m sorry that you couldn’t join us –
I do like to keep in touch –
But as you can tell from this letter
This Christmas we didn’t do much.