THE MORNING AFTER

I went with a friend on a dancing week-end,
We both had a wonderful spree,
The teaching was good and so was the food,
But oh! - the day after for me!

The first thing to do, with my foot black and blue,
Was to go for a simple X-Ray,
But the hospital couldn’t, or more likely wouldn’t,
And I tottered home in dismay.

I hunted for ages throughout yellow pages,
A chiropodist’s rarer than gold,
But the pain gave no quarter, so I put feet in water
Alternately boiling and cold.

The physio said, with a toss of her head
“Don’t bother me if you can walk”.
And that double-dealer, our local faith-healer,
The only thing he did was talk!

I cared not two hoots when I limped round to Boots
For plasters and rubs for my bruise,
When rude little nippers all jeered at my slippers,
I couldn’t get into my shoes!

Next time, if I’m spared, I’ll go more prepared,
With first aid equipment complete.
But I’ll take my chance and I’ll do Scottish Dance
As long as I’ve still got two feet.

THE HORSE

Forty Years ago today
I had my hour of glory,
And then I went and ruined it,
And this is my sad story.

I once appeared in pantomime,
You may think this is daring,
But I spent my time bent double
Which is extremely wearing.

I was the back legs of a horse,
And though I bore the brunt
I never got promoted to
The half that goes in front.

We both appeared at Christmas,
Our dancing did appeal,
But one half did a strathspey
And one half did a reel.

I will not mention who did what,
Or who was in the wrong,
But I tried hard to cover up
By bursting into song.

I gave them “Annie Laurie”,
And “Auld Lang Syne” of course,
You did not often hear it
From the rear end of a horse.

And then the audience joined in,
They could not stay aloof,
And we all sang “Rule Britannia”
And nearly raised the roof!

The cheers and shouts were deafening-
It really couldn’t fail,
And I bowed modestly behind
And gently swished my tail.

And then I spoiled my triumph,
You’ll see just what I mean,
For the horse became a camel
When I stood up for the Queen!

Perhaps this would be suitable for a Christmas or Hogmanay ceilidh.

The Demonstration Team

We’ve been asked to appear at an Evergreen Club,
So we must give a good demonstration,
But it’s not proving easy to make up a team
And I’m torn between hope and frustration.

Hamish McIntosh is camping in Spain,
And Sandy has gone to Geneva,
Andrew and Janet are off on a cruise,
And Fiona has shocking hay fever.

We’ll have to ask Elsa the German au-pair,
I’m practically certain she can,
And that Japanese girl is a treasure -
Though she can’t bring herself to dance man.

Paddy and Eileen O’Reilly are good,
And Claudette has come back from France,
And the chap from the Indian Restaurant
Is willing and eager to dance.

The outfits will cause me some trouble, I know,
And Ram Singh insists on his turban,
It’s lucky that Franz has a wonderful kilt
That he got from his uncle in Durban.

I wish that we had just one Scot to announce -
I’d do it myself on the night
But I am 100% pure Welsh
And “Diolch yn fawr” (*) wouldn’t sound right.

I’m sure that our dancing will please the old dears,
But it does seem a pity there’s not
In all the eight people there dancing reel,
Just one representative Scot.

* Pronounced Dee-ock-un-vower

(Previously published in Reel 229)